We are often frustrated at people who are near and dear to us because they fail to support us when we most need them. We are disappointed when our close friend is unable to give us time when we are down even though we had been there for them many times before. We are upset because the relative to whom we lent money over and over, refused to give us money in bad days. We are hurt by our partner who is not able to demonstrate affection towards us when we most need to feel loved.
We have high expectations of people whom we supported and cared for when they needed us. We expect that these people will be the first to offer us help and support even without asking them for it. This is normally a source of great frustration and disappointment for most people.
The idea of reciprocity is like exchanging gifts. I support you when you need so that you can support me later when I need you. I help you when you are down so that you pick me when I am about to fall. But help and support does not need to function that way.
One of my friends told me years ago about her mother’s theory that good deeds should keep flowing and that they should not necessarily be reciprocal. She explained that this almost works as a bank. People deposit good deeds in the bank whenever they can and withdraw from it when they need. For example: ‘X’ helps ‘Y’ when needed, and then when ‘X’ needs help the expectation is that ‘Y’ will support ‘X’ in return. If this happens then great. However, in many cases the support will come from a different person say ‘Z’ and so on. Think about it, how many times your car breaks down in the middle of nowhere or you lost your money while on travel and then a complete stranger helped you out. This stranger will not count on you for help when they need it, but they are most likely to find help from someone else, possibly a complete stranger or someone who they had not supported before. Good deeds should keep flowing like a river, so that all of us can drink from it when we need.
Reciprocity is great. The foundation of strong relationship is based on mutual respect and care. However, do not be disappointed when someone you helped is unable to help you back. It might be that they are not ready or willing to help for a good reason. When you help someone, give from the heart and do not expect anything back. Give because you want to and enjoy the gift of giving. Deposit positive actions in the bank which I call the ‘ Bank of Good Deeds’ as often as you can. Trust that when you need support you will get it. It might not come from people you already supported but does this really matter?
My friend’s mother told her that she is trying to help as many people as possible because one day her daughters (my friend and her sisters) might need help. The mother is making sure she is depositing as many good deeds in the bank so that her daughters can withdraw from it in future when they need support. Does it matter where the support come from?
What do you think of the ‘Bank of Good Deeds’ concept?
For the Journey ... 