I have been always scared of time! Not being able to control it, turn it back, pause it, slow it or accelerate it as I please.
A famous Arab proverb says ” Time is like a sword: if you don’t cut it, it cuts you”. Others refer to time as a traitor, a thief etc. Time flies on good days, and is as slow as a turtle when we go through hardships or sleepless nights. My relationship with time was based on fear because of all of the above. Fear of my life passing quickly before my eyes without achieving all what I want to do, or visiting all the places I want to explore. Fear of losing loved ones. Fear of not leaving any meaningful contribution behind.
I decided not to make time my enemy because I will definitely lose. No one was able to defeat time. Efforts to invent the time capsule and control time were only materialised in films. I decided to befriend it, to keep it close and keep an eye on it so it does not control me. How am I going to do this, was my next question.
To improve my relationship with time, I first thought of time management ( how to make the best use of my time). I found some really good resources on that and on making the best To-Do list and on work-life balance etc. Then I thought some more and felt that squeezing more things into my day is not going to address my fear of time. My issue is not so much about organising my To-Do list… it is about ensuring it includes what really matters!
Before Time Management
I needed to do some work before time management to address my relationship with time. I had to dig deeper and go to the core: What do I want to achieve with my life? This led me to explore:
- Self-Awareness: I needed to be more aware of myself and what I want to achieve in my life. What are my priorities? Do I have personal and professional goals ? what makes me happier / more satisfied? This is the hardest part! It requires a lot of soul searching and also help from loved ones, friends, a good coach etc. Investing efforts, time and resources here are totally worthy. I did struggle of course, I thought of things that I value the most and things I do not value or do not consider as priorities, I meditated, I worked with a coach, I made lists, I talked about that with friends. There is no end to this exercise! We keep evolving and our understanding of life and self change with time but our core remain the same! So you do not have to get all your answers straight away, you can build better self-awareness bit by bit, this is fine.
- Peer and society pressures: those distort our relationship with time and ourselves. There are so many societal norms and standards that we measure ourselves against. Our families and friends sometimes contribute to this even if unintentionally. We are expected to achieve certain milestones by certain age. For example: there is an ‘expected’ age to graduate, get married, have children, own a house, travel, fall in love etc. Many people are frustrated for not meeting these ‘achievements’ at the expected age. We do not need to compare our journeys to others. We determine our journey and success indicators. Success is about overcoming challenges, and each of us faces different set of challenges so we can not have one definition for success. And we certainly cannot achieve that at the same time (or age) as anyone else. I found that dis-associating myself from social expectations has considerably improved my relationship with time (and myself).
Time Management
Now that I have defined what matters to me, my own standards of success, and the pace of my own journey, then time-management tools can be handy. “We build the life we want and then time saves itself”. I found this great Ted talks where the speaker explains that once we identify what matters to us, then we will find the time to do it. There are a lot of useful time management tools out there, too many…For me, the following principles worked when it comes to time management:
- Finding your Balance: traditionally the day is divided into three chunks: work, sleep and recreational time. I looked at my day and what balance I like to achieve. I know that I love my sleep and that anything less than 7 hours of good sleep is non-negotiable. I looked at the other two chunks and I decided to stop staying longer hours at work unless is really necessary. This should be the exception not the norm. If I am focused, then I can do a lot in 8 hours. I also looked at my free time and made sure it is filled with stuff that make me happy, active, and creative. I found time for my choir practice, for swimming and for my coaching. I made sure I had enough time for friends and family too.
- I got the help of a good life coach to prioritise and clarify my goals. A good life coach would not only keep you on track to achieve your goals, they would increase your level of self awareness and commitment to your goals. A good coach would also challenge you to think outside the box and go out of your comfort zone.
- Building positive habits: I also worked on developing positive habits which is essential to keep me on track in terms of achieving my goals. For example: I always wanted to exercise 3 to 4 times a week and never was able to find the time for it. I tried to wake up earlier and it never worked, I tried to go after work but then the gym is super busy and a bit intimidating. I found a good gym a few meters away from the office so now I am using my lunch breaks to exercise while the gym and the pool are nice and quiet. Another example is that I built a habit of practising my French language (using Duolingo App) on the way to work and back. Now I feel guilty if I miss my everyday practice.
After Time Management
After identifying my priorities and establishing my goals and my time-management tricks, I needed also to explore the following crucial concept: Acceptance.
So after doing all the above, what is important is a degree of acceptance that time passes and that life is short…. that things change including my and other people’s priorities and that I cannot control everything! I will do my best , I will know myself and my priorities, I will do my best to achieve my goals and respect these priorities…but after all of that , I might not be able to control all the outcomes and the context around me. The war in Syria changed all of my plans and my priorities. I had to start over. I need to accept that about life and be at peace with it. If not, my relationship with time might never be healthy!
This does not mean to sit on my backside and blame life for my under-achievements! on the contrary this is to better understand life! To do all what I can do , and never to give up but also to be resilient, flexible and tactical to adapt to whatever life brings my way. There are so many blessings in disguise.
I will leave you with this lovely article about time (and life) , it was written by a nurse working with dying people asking them about their biggest regrets. This is a reminder for all of us on what matters in life and would reflect on our relationship with time and our choices when it comes to spending it.
For the Journey ... 