I don’t hear you!

Do we listen to understand or to answer? A repetitive, yet very important, question!

When I started my life-coaching diploma, I was asked: “are you a good listener?” I I did consider myself to be a good listener, but I did not want to sound arrogant so I said “I am an OK listener but I can always improve”.

Coaching is about trusting that people can find all the answers they need for themselves and this requires exceptional listening skills. When I started coaching and listening to people during sessions, I realised that I was actually a bad listener. I listen to simplify, to categorise, to think about something smart to say, to relate, to judge….etc. but I rarely listen to truly understand the person speaking to me. I get distracted easily. I nod to show interest and engagement, but sometimes I am busy with my brain chatter or thinking about what I am doing next. “How disrespectful is that!!!!” I thought to myself “I will never be a good coach, I am a horrible listener!”.

Listening is an underrated skill and the foundation of good communication. We have two ears and one mouth, but most people (including me) speak much more than they listen, especially in an argument or during difficult conversations. Good listening is important for everyone on both the personal and professional levels.

Having awareness of my poor listening skills, was actually a good step forward. I noticed that when people state their goals in a coaching session, I start forming solutions in my head based on what I already know and expect that the ‘coachee’ would eventually reach the same solution. Listening carefully helped me to learn about the person and the underlying values and purpose behind their goals without jumping into any conclusion. I started to observe myself so that I don’t get distracted while people speak. I also trained myself not to think of the next question while people are still speaking. I know now that the next question will naturally flow from a good conversation.

Coaching has enabled me to be aware of my listening skills and to become a better listener. I now believe that becoming a good listener is a daily journey, like meditation, which requires continuous practice and focus. I am certain that better listening will help me grow as a coach and as a person.

In his book ‘The Light in the Heart’, Roy T Bennett says: “The greatest problem with communication is we don’t listen to understand. We listen to reply. When we listen with curiosity, we don’t listen with the intent to reply. We listen for what’s behind the words.”