My end of year Ritual: constructing my story

Every year on 30 or 31 December , I bring a pen and paper to reflect on the year that is about to become a memory. I prepare a list, a ‘balance sheet’ with all the good, the bad and the ugly. The list includes everything on the personal, financial and professional levels. Things that went well and things that didn’t. Things I had control over and worked hard to achieve , and things that were beyond my control yet affected me negatively or positively. I look at the list and try to add things I am taking for granted but for which I am grateful. I often look for more positive stuff to add to tip the balance in favour of the positive side.

The list informs my New Years resolutions and things that I like to focus on and achieve in the next year. Some personal goals and some professional. I sometimes add a title for the year to come, for example : “Happiness ,Meditation and Focus”… or “Travel, Exploration, and Adventure” … and so on.

This has become my end of year ritual, which takes place just before the new year. I learn a lot about myself from this exercise. I always keep the lists and look at them at the end of each year and then for many years to come. This ritual is enabling me to track my progress , thoughts, and my ‘story’. It helps me to reflect on my life and how I construct the story of my life. What I mean by the story of my life is mainly the key events that defined my life and how I reacted to them.

I noticed that when I am down or anxious or feeling bad about myself , I tend to tell my story in a negative way, which amplifies the negative aspects and shows me as unlucky, unwise or unsuccessful. When I am feeling myself ( which is usually more optimistic and upbeat), I tell the story in a much kinder way whereby I acknowledge the challenges I had to overcome and highlight the positive aspects and achievements. There is more pride and love in this version of the story.

I concluded that I am reflecting on my life in very different ways according to my mood. The more I think about that , the more I discover that events in our life are less important than how we interpret them!

I decided to keep constructing the narrative of my life in a positive light. In a way that is more kind and forgiving to myself and others, to my shortcomings, to people who have disappointed me, to events that affected me negatively, to mistakes I have done without bad intentions, to times when I had to do or say something and I didn’t ….etc. The list can be so long here.

Today I am starting my end of year ritual for 2019 and my mind is telling me the negative version of my story. I am committed to reconstruct my story again and reclaim the positive version of it. I decided to review this past year in a kind, forgiving and a grateful mindset. This post is a reminder for me that I can always choose how to perceive my life and myself and today I choose the positive perspective.

And you, what is your end of year ritual?

Happy 2020 🙂

Anas

This is a great failure!

The Swedish warship Vasa sank almost immediately after sailing from Stockholm harbour in 1628. Commissioned by the King of Sweden, Vasa was meant to be one of the most powerful armed vessels in the world. At least 15 people died in the tragedy and many resources were wasted, not to mention the king’s embarrassment . This was considered a big failure! An inquest was ordered by the king who had approved the design and measurement of the ship. Several factors contributed to the disaster including the design of the ship (stability, gravity issues, width to length ratio etc), in addition to being overloaded with 72 heavy bronze cannons, too many for its size. No one took the blame for the disaster, and the inquest could not determine the real cause of it. The ship’s contractor had died before the work was completed.

In the 1950’s, Vasa was located just outside Stockholm harbour and was salvaged (in 1961) largely intact. The ship was found in a surprisingly good condition after 333 years at the bottom of the sea . After an elaborate conservation process, the ship has been on display at the Vasa Museum in Stockholm. I was one of the lucky 35 million visitors who have enjoyed an up close and personal experience with the ship. This visit has been my most memorable and enjoyable museum experience ever.

What was considered a big failure, created opportunities 333 years later! The recovery of the ship and items in it provided an important insight about how people lived in the 17th century. The ship’s recovery process is a celebrated scientific success, and Vasa is the world’s best preserved 17th century ship . The museum today is a major attraction in Sweden and is generating income for people working in the tourism industry. Probably few people could see this coming in 1628. The story of Vasa sparked many questions in my mind about success and failure.

Life gives us the wonderful gift of learning and turning failures to successes. This requires time, creative thinking, and new perspectives. There is no success without failure. Think of them as two sides of the same coin. Sometimes society speaks of these two notions as if they are completely separate from each other. Life is about learning , and learning is about failing as much as it is about succeeding.

After visiting Vasa, I looked back at the many incidents I deemed as total failures in my past. Too many examples came to my mind. I tried to look at them from different perspectives, and to determine whether they eventually led to anything positive in my life. It was not very easy or straightforward at first, in fact it was very uncomfortable to remember all my failures at once! but I was able to count several positive actions I have taken as a result of these events. Actions that I took to help me feel better, to redeem myself, or to challenge how others perceived me. On the whole, I feel more at ease when I look back at my ‘failures’ now, and I found a sense of forgiveness towards my mistakes and shortcomings because who knows what they will turn me into in the future!

Befriending Time

I have been always scared of time! Not being able to control it, turn it back, pause it, slow it or accelerate it as I please.

A famous Arab proverb says ” Time is like a sword: if you don’t cut it, it cuts you”. Others refer to time as a traitor, a thief etc. Time flies on good days, and is as slow as a turtle when we go through hardships or sleepless nights. My relationship with time was based on fear because of all of the above. Fear of my life passing quickly before my eyes without achieving all what I want to do, or visiting all the places I want to explore. Fear of losing loved ones. Fear of not leaving any meaningful contribution behind.

I decided not to make time my enemy because I will definitely lose. No one was able to defeat time. Efforts to invent the time capsule and control time were only materialised in films. I decided to befriend it, to keep it close and keep an eye on it so it does not control me. How am I going to do this, was my next question.

To improve my relationship with time, I first thought of time management ( how to make the best use of my time). I found some really good resources on that and on making the best To-Do list and on work-life balance etc. Then I thought some more and felt that squeezing more things into my day is not going to address my fear of time. My issue is not so much about organising my To-Do list… it is about ensuring it includes what really matters!

Before Time Management

I needed to do some work before time management to address my relationship with time. I had to dig deeper and go to the core: What do I want to achieve with my life? This led me to explore:

Self-Awareness: I needed to be more aware of myself and what I want to achieve in my life. What are my priorities? Do I have personal and professional goals ? what makes me happier / more satisfied? This is the hardest part! It requires a lot of soul searching and also help from loved ones, friends, a good coach etc. Investing efforts, time and resources here are totally worthy. I did struggle of course, I thought of things that I value the most and things I do not value or do not consider as priorities, I meditated, I worked with a coach, I made lists, I talked about that with friends. There is no end to this exercise! We keep evolving and our understanding of life and self change with time but our core remain the same! So you do not have to get all your answers straight away, you can build better self-awareness bit by bit, this is fine.

Peer and society pressures: those distort our relationship with time and ourselves. There are so many societal norms and standards that we measure ourselves against. Our families and friends sometimes contribute to this even if unintentionally. We are expected to achieve certain milestones by certain age. For example: there is an ‘expected’ age to graduate, get married, have children, own a house, travel, fall in love etc. Many people are frustrated for not meeting these ‘achievements’ at the expected age. We do not need to compare our journeys to others. We determine our journey and success indicators. Success is about overcoming challenges, and each of us faces different set of challenges so we can not have one definition for success. And we certainly cannot achieve that at the same time (or age) as anyone else. I found that dis-associating myself from social expectations has considerably improved my relationship with time (and myself).

Time Management

Now that I have defined what matters to me, my own standards of success, and the pace of my own journey, then time-management tools can be handy. “We build the life we want and then time saves itself”. I found this great Ted talks where the speaker explains that once we identify what matters to us, then we will find the time to do it. There are a lot of useful time management tools out there, too many…For me, the following principles worked when it comes to time management:

Finding your Balance: traditionally the day is divided into three chunks: work, sleep and recreational time. I looked at my day and what balance I like to achieve. I know that I love my sleep and that anything less than 7 hours of good sleep is non-negotiable. I looked at the other two chunks and I decided to stop staying longer hours at work unless is really necessary. This should be the exception not the norm. If I am focused, then I can do a lot in 8 hours. I also looked at my free time and made sure it is filled with stuff that make me happy, active, and creative. I found time for my choir practice, for swimming and for my coaching. I made sure I had enough time for friends and family too.

I got the help of a good life coach to prioritise and clarify my goals. A good life coach would not only keep you on track to achieve your goals, they would increase your level of self awareness and commitment to your goals. A good coach would also challenge you to think outside the box and go out of your comfort zone.

Building positive habits: I also worked on developing positive habits which is essential to keep me on track in terms of achieving my goals. For example: I always wanted to exercise 3 to 4 times a week and never was able to find the time for it. I tried to wake up earlier and it never worked, I tried to go after work but then the gym is super busy and a bit intimidating. I found a good gym a few meters away from the office so now I am using my lunch breaks to exercise while the gym and the pool are nice and quiet. Another example is that I built a habit of practising my French language (using Duolingo App) on the way to work and back. Now I feel guilty if I miss my everyday practice.

After Time Management

After identifying my priorities and establishing my goals and my time-management tricks, I needed also to explore the following crucial concept: Acceptance.

So after doing all the above, what is important is a degree of acceptance that time passes and that life is short…. that things change including my and other people’s priorities and that I cannot control everything! I will do my best , I will know myself and my priorities, I will do my best to achieve my goals and respect these priorities…but after all of that , I might not be able to control all the outcomes and the context around me. The war in Syria changed all of my plans and my priorities. I had to start over. I need to accept that about life and be at peace with it. If not, my relationship with time might never be healthy!

This does not mean to sit on my backside and blame life for my under-achievements! on the contrary this is to better understand life! To do all what I can do , and never to give up but also to be resilient, flexible and tactical to adapt to whatever life brings my way. There are so many blessings in disguise.

I will leave you with this lovely article about time (and life) , it was written by a nurse working with dying people asking them about their biggest regrets. This is a reminder for all of us on what matters in life and would reflect on our relationship with time and our choices when it comes to spending it.

The Bank of Good Deeds

We are often frustrated at people who are near and dear to us because they fail to support us when we most need them. We are disappointed when our close friend is unable to give us time when we are down even though we had been there for them many times before. We are upset because the relative to whom we lent money over and over, refused to give us money in bad days. We are hurt by our partner who is not able to demonstrate affection towards us when we most need to feel loved.

We have high expectations of people whom we supported and cared for when they needed us. We expect that these people will be the first to offer us help and support even without asking them for it. This is normally a source of great frustration and disappointment for most people.

The idea of reciprocity is like exchanging gifts. I support you when you need so that you can support me later when I need you. I help you when you are down so that you pick me when I am about to fall. But help and support does not need to function that way.

One of my friends told me years ago about her mother’s theory that good deeds should keep flowing and that they should not necessarily be reciprocal. She explained that this almost works as a bank. People deposit good deeds in the bank whenever they can and withdraw from it when they need. For example: ‘X’ helps ‘Y’ when needed, and then when ‘X’ needs help the expectation is that ‘Y’ will support ‘X’ in return. If this happens then great. However, in many cases the support will come from a different person say ‘Z’ and so on. Think about it, how many times your car breaks down in the middle of nowhere or you lost your money while on travel and then a complete stranger helped you out. This stranger will not count on you for help when they need it, but they are most likely to find help from someone else, possibly a complete stranger or someone who they had not supported before. Good deeds should keep flowing like a river, so that all of us can drink from it when we need.

Reciprocity is great. The foundation of strong relationship is based on mutual respect and care. However, do not be disappointed when someone you helped is unable to help you back. It might be that they are not ready or willing to help for a good reason. When you help someone, give from the heart and do not expect anything back. Give because you want to and enjoy the gift of giving. Deposit positive actions in the bank which I call the ‘ Bank of Good Deeds’ as often as you can. Trust that when you need support you will get it. It might not come from people you already supported but does this really matter?

My friend’s mother told her that she is trying to help as many people as possible because one day her daughters (my friend and her sisters) might need help. The mother is making sure she is depositing as many good deeds in the bank so that her daughters can withdraw from it in future when they need support. Does it matter where the support come from?

What do you think of the ‘Bank of Good Deeds’ concept?

The Two Years Challenge!

Eckhart Tolle is his book ‘ the Power of Now’ says that if people are often stuck in the past , then they are probably depressed, if they are always thinking about the future then they are anxious. I am often worrying about the future and tend to be anxious under a very calm and composed surface. Living in the moment is much easier said than done. It takes a lot of practice and efforts to train your mind and yourself to live in the present.

One of the tricks I use on my mind to ease my anxiety is what I call the two years challenge. When I find my self worried and anxious:

I take a short walk around the block and try to think of what is on my mind.

I often come up with a list of a few things.

I put each one of these under the following test: would this matter in anyway in two years time? would it have any implication on my life ? Most things normally fail this test.
If any issue survives the test and is likely to matter in two years time, then it possibly deserves the ‘worry’.
The next is to think of ways to translate the worry into actions to address the concern I have.

This has really worked out for me. It makes worry and anxiety working on my behalf , and transforms the negative into positive actions. I also found a great Ted talk on befriending your stress and anxiety https://www.ted.com/talks/kelly_mcgonigal_how_to_make_stress_your_friend?language=en I listen to this every now and then and still find it ever useful. It says that a bit of worry is good because it alerts people to possible threats and dangers around them. However, the problem is when worry becomes excessive and burdens people. If we perceive worry as a ‘friend’ and act accordingly then it won’t hurt us physically or emotionally. Try to listen to this talk, highly recommended!

Do you have any tricks to control your anxiety and/or transform them to positive actions? If so, please comment or share.

What makes you you?

By the time I was born, almost everything that makes me me had been decided on my behalf: my name, gender, nationality, family, religion, how I looked like etc. I grew up and started making sense of who I am in comparison to others. In some ways I was very lucky… much less in other ways. I felt that people were judging who I am based on these factors, none of which I did choose. I used to say: where is my choice and agency in the middle of all this? can I decide what makes me me? If I change my name, gender, abandon my family, change my religion etc. would that make me more me?

Today, I like to think that I am wiser. Today I know that my identity is much more than all this. What makes me me are my choices and actions. My choices of what to do with what life has given me and how to overcome my challenges and limitations. I am me because of how I face hardships and how I behave when life is good to me. People can certainly judge me on these things. They can also judge me on how I treat others; those who are more fortunate than me and those less fortunate or more vulnerable.

Today I do not take my gender, nationality or religion etc too seriously. I respect all of that of course, and I love my family very much. What makes me me is perceiving that genders are equal, that political borders do not mean much. What makes me is respecting all religions without following any of them. I could have been born as a Christian woman in Ghana, a Hindu man in India, a Buddhist in China… and so on. I could have been born richer or poorer. I could have had great benefits because of where I was born, I could equally have died when I was five due to lack of clean water in my community.

What makes me is the struggle everyday to become a better person, to learn. What makes me me is the guilt I feel when I think I hurt someone unintentionally. So many things make me me, none of these things were determined before I was born. I decide everyday what makes me me.

What makes you you?

Are you fighting the big fights?

I received a wonderful message from a friend this morning on Whatsapp, very simple and deep. It says:

” I once asked a very successful woman to share her secret with me. She smiled and said:

I started succeeding when I started leaving small fights for small fighters.

I stopped fighting those who gossiped about me…

I stopped fighting with my in laws…

I stopped fighting for attention….

I stopped fighting to meet public expectations of me…

I stopped fighting for my rights with stupid people…

I left such fights for those who have nothing else to fight. And I started fighting for my vision…my dreams..my ideas… and my destiny!

the day I gave up on small fights is the day i started becoming successful. “

This short but powerful story (I received it without credits or a source) has really made me pause and reflect: where am I spending my energy? What are the fights worth fighting? why do I allow myself be distracted by small fights that won’t take me anywhere?

The starting point for me is to distinguish the small fights from the big fights so to speak. To do that, I had to be clear on my vision, dreams, and values. Not very easy yet so crucial!

I was able to work on my personal values with a coach last year (see the post on my personal values). This was a milestone. There is no right or wrong way of doing it, but I started anyway. When I finished, I felt more anchored. This could help me immensely when choosing my fights. Also some 10 years ago, I did an exercise to help me articulate my vision for my future. I wrote (in the present tense) describing how my life will be in my forties, what I am doing then? Where I am based? How do I look like and how do I feel? I picked up the letter recently and to my surprise, where I am now is not too far from it! I was so pleased, given that there was a war in my country and my life literally turned upside down because of it. In spite of that, some of things I wrote then are realised today or are close to be. Has this happened because I articulated my vision to myself and to life? ! Having a clear vision will be another useful tool to help me ditch the small fights and focus on the ones worth fighting.

Coaching can help people to focus their energy and efforts on achieving their goals and dreams, on choosing the big fights .

And you? what are your big fights? what is worth your time and energy? I invite you today to focus on the big fights and leave the small fights to small fighters.

Reflections on my Values & Beliefs

Reflections on my values

Actions: thoughts are natural, can be positive or negative. Actions translate (and test) thoughts so they are 100% more powerful. Positive thoughts will remain in your head until you action them. Negative thoughts (Worry/ anxiety) are of no use and they consume your time and energy. Most importantly, negative thoughts kill the joy of life!

Experiences: possessions are temporary. You can lose them due to any reasons natural or manmade. When people die, they don’t take anything with them (despite their efforts). Even legacy is something you cannot control. Experiences are deeper and more meaningful.

Kindness: this is all what is left. When you are kind to people, this is a sign of strength not weakness. When you look back on a relationship (personal or professional) kindness is the best option to treat an individual whether they have been good or bad to you.

Needs: I should distinguish needs from wants. Needs are deeper and normally more legitimate. Wants can spring from media and social pressures. Normally people get what they want. Be careful what you wish for! If needs and wants are aligned, then all the better. What is yours will come to you. Do not blindly follow your wants.

Equality: do not put anyone in a higher or lower importance (or position) than you. You could have been born in their shoes and vice versa. You could have been born into a different gender, race, orientation, nationality, abilities etc respect to yourself and others should stem from this sense of equality.

Time: Life is short: seize the day, the moments with your friend or loved one, the time for rest or enjoyment. Everything will come in due time! But remember you can’t get everything so focus on what you really need!

Contribution: at the end when you look back, what do you want to have achieved? Contribution to others is more noble than just seeking to achieve your needs and wants. Make sure you understand your contribution to anything personal and professional you invest time in.

Control: you do your best but then you accept the outcomes of your actions (or lack of actions) and thoughts. It is very useful to distinguish between what you should control and when to let go. we can control our actions and decisions but not the outcomes of those. Accept and relax, no regrets! You did what you could in that situation and given what you knew then.! Make anxiety your friend. What you fight will fight you back too.

This is the first post on my new blog. I’m just getting this new blog going, so stay tuned for more. Subscribe below to get notified when I post new updates.

Anas Darkawi

I am a global citizen. Born and raised in Syria and currently living in London. Travel is my passion. I travelled a lot and have more to learn and discover about the world.

I am a reflective person, committed to self-growth and learning from other people’s stories and experiences. I went through challenging life experiences and have more appreciation for life and kindness. I find it humbling to listen to people’s experiences and challenges. I am passionate about helping others through their struggles. I always thrive to develop more empathy and better listening skills.

My career has been focused on social development and non-profits. I worked for different local and international charities and organisations tackling social causes and youth development. I am now completing my life coaching diploma from the Coaching Academy in the UK. I am fluent in English, Arabic native speaker, and communicate well in Spanish and French.